Let It Go
by My one true love
Summary: It's Blair's thirtieth birthday and an unexpected envelope shakes her. Blair based with Blair/Chuck emphasis. Mention of Jenny/Nate & Dan/Serena.


**A/N: **This was written for a secret santa gift back in December that I never posted. I want to thank Jaspers-Girl-and-u-no-it for being my beta. I hope that you all enjoy. Please review as reviews are what keep me going and I'd also love to hear what you think!

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Blair's hands shook as she looked at the envelope that the doorman had just delivered. The writing was so familiar, but there was no way that it could be. Tears fell down her cheeks, completely unchecked. Her body had begun to shake as sobs began to overcome her. How could this be happening? She just could not comprehend how she could be holding this envelope in her hand, how this could have happened - today of all days. Today was her day, damn it.

It seemed like an innocent envelope - a white envelope addressed to Blair Bass, just like the rest of the mail, but this piece of mail was different. The B's were looped in that special way that only one person had ever been able to do - one person that she shouldn't be receiving mail from any longer.

Blair glanced at the return address, her suspicions confirmed, as she swiped at her tears. How could she be getting something from him? How? Thoughts crowded her brain, nothing coherent reaching her as she heard the elevator door sliding open. She couldn't even slide her eyes from the envelope to see who it was – not that she cared. All that she cared about was how this envelope had ended up in her hand and what was inside it. Yet she couldn't bring herself to open it.

"Happy birthday!!! You've locked yourself in this place long enough," Serena laughed as she strolled in, her long legs eating up the distance between them.

"We're not taking no for an answer. It's your birthday, bitch, and we are so taking you out." Jenny's smile was sincere as she followed behind Serena.

Blair looked up, her tear glazed eyes looking up but not really taking in Serena and Jenny.

"Blair? What's wrong?" Their concern was immediate, the smiles and joking gone instantly. They sat on either side of her, and as each of them caught sight of the envelope they were as shocked as she was.

"This came in the mail." Blair leaned into Serena, laying her head onto her shoulder as she slipped her free hand into one of Jenny's. "I can't bring myself to open it. I don't even know how in the world it could have gotten here."

"Oh, Blair," Serena sighed as she ran a hand through her friend's silky hair. She'd known that she and Jenny would be in for a hard time convincing Blair to go out for her thirtieth birthday, but she'd had no idea what would be waiting for them. She'd expected tears and maybe temper, but not this unexpected letter.

Jenny's hand reached out, a finger trailing over the envelope. "Do you want one of us to open it?"

Blair shook her head adamantly. "No, I need to do it." She paused. "But stay. I don't know what it's going to say, and I'm sure that I'll need you guys."

"Of course, anything you need." Serena smiled while Jenny nodded. "Do you want us to wait in the other room?"

Blair shook her head. "No." Blair paused, a hint of smile on her lips. "I'm going to read it in the bedroom." Where she always remembered him the best. "Wait here. I'll be back."

She turned, walking slowly to her room with the envelope held close to her chest. Her heart beat faster with every step she took, the anticipation and fear beating opposing beats within her. She lowered herself onto the bed, sliding her finger across the seal and letting the paper slide from the envelope.

_My Dearest Blair,_

_Knowing you, you're wondering how in the hell you're getting a letter from me. It's simple: planning ahead. You know me. I'm a planner and I always get my way. I couldn't let you celebrate your thirtieth birthday without me – even if I couldn't be there. I love you with all of my heart, Blair, and it kills me that I can't be there to help you celebrate that ever so important occasion (and the oh so many important ones to come.)_

_I don't know how long it's been since I've been gone, but I know that as I'm writing this that they're not giving me long and it's still six and a half months until your birthday. I hope I can make it longer, but I feel so weak (I know, me, Chuck Bass, admitting I'm weak – who would have thought?). I want you to know that you have my heart and my soul. For the last twelve years you have been my world, the only person that I've ever wanted to be proud of me. The day that you agreed to marry me was the happiest day of my life. Now I just wish that I'd have asked sooner because six years wasn't long enough to be your husband. I'd thought that we'd have forever, but 'til death do us part turned out to be a lot sooner than either of us expected._

_But I digress, this letter isn't to make you sad but to make you remember the good times we had and to make sure that you don't make the mistake of living in the past. I couldn't handle it if I knew that you'd given up living just because I was gone. You have so much life inside of you that you just can't let die. You would be letting me and the whole world down._

_Take tonight for you and go out with the girls, let your hair down. Get drunk and let loose for once in your life. I know how much you hate to let go of control, but sometimes you just need to let go of the reins. Go out with Jenny and Serena, have fun with them. Remember me and the good times that we had – the good times that we should have had. Don't think of the time that we've lost; don't think of what could have been. Be brave, be the woman that I fell in love with - that I love with all of my heart. Blair Waldorf – no, scratch that – Blair Bass, my wife. The love of my life, the woman I spent my life loving._

_Please don't waste your life pining after the love that was lost; live life to the fullest. Don't forget the people that love you and want what's best for you. Remember that you have friends that would do anything for you. You have two of the best friends that you could've asked for in Serena and Jenny, or at least when you and Serena aren't fighting. You aren't fighting again, are you? It seems that since she married Dan and then we got married the fighting became almost nonexistent – thank God. Then there's Jenny. Who'd have thought that little Jenny Humphrey would've become your best friend? I mean you did have the whole Queen thing in common, but I think what did it was her marrying Nate. It was kind of hard to avoid her when she married my best friend, your first love. You know that he will do anything for you – you just have to ask. Any of them will - they love you Blair. Remember that now that I'm gone. There are still people that love you._

_But above all else remember that I will always love you, but don't close yourself off to the possibility of love. If you meet someone don't think that you're betraying me if you fall in love. Just because I'm gone doesn't mean that you can't still love. I love you, Blair, and I know that you'll love me until the day that you die because a love like ours…it just doesn't die._

_Love,_

_Chuck_

Blair closed her eyes, her emotions and thoughts all over. She couldn't figure out where to start. It was so like Chuck to send her something after he was gone. He always had to have the last word. "Oh God, Chuck… I miss you so much." She clutched the letter to her chest again as her eyes fluttered open, glancing at the picture of the two of them on their wedding day. They looked so young and happy. They'd had no idea how little time they would have together.

She wiped the tears from her face, her hands still shaking before beginning to fold the letter again. That was when she noticed that there was something written on the back.

_P.S. – My only regret is that we continued to put aside having children and now there will be no children for us. I'm sorry for that. I should have listened to you. But smile because I love you…_

Blair laughed, the tears once again streaming as her hand fluttered down to her swollen stomach. With the tears came peals of laughter. It was like some kind of cosmic joke. Chuck had never known of the child that she carried – his child – because she hadn't found out until two weeks after he'd died.

When Blair had found out she was pregnant she was already two months along and her husband had been dead and buried for only two weeks. She'd ignored obvious signs, buried in her grief and once she'd gotten the news she'd had mixed reactions; grief and happiness had warred within her, but the child that lived within her had forced her to live, something she wasn't sure that she would've been able to do otherwise. She'd still found it hard to get out of bed, to eat, to function at all. It was hard to exist in a world in which Chuck Bass didn't exist, but in a month or so the world would be getting another Chuck Bass, whether it was ready or not.

A soft knock drew her attention away from her thoughts as the door opened slightly, Serena's head popping in. "Blair, you okay?"

"It's been awhile so we wanted to check on you…" Jenny pushed the door open further so that she could see Blair for herself.

Blair waved them in, scooting a bit awkwardly across the big bed to make room for them. The two girls climbed onto the bed, leaning against the pillows on either side of her. "He wrote it a few weeks before he died. He mentioned that it was six and a half months until my birthday." Blair sniffled as she unfolded the letter. "I'll read it to you guys." She wanted to read it again and knew that they'd want to hear the words that he'd left for her as well.

Once the letter was read all three girls' faces were tear stained. "He did love you so much Blair." Serena smiled. "You were his world and knowing that you were pregnant would have made him the happiest man alive."

"And I know that he's looking down on you, and keeping an eye on you," Jenny added as she wiped a hand across her face. "God, I've totally ruined my makeup."

They laughed together, and Blair knew that she would make it because she had friends that would be there for her every step of the way. "Alright, well it's my damn birthday and Chuck wants me to celebrate so we will. No drinking for me, for obvious reasons." She waved at her rounded stomach which sent them into a spell of giggles.

"It's so good to hear you laugh," Serena said as she pulled her close. "It's been awhile."

"Don't worry. I'm going to work on that in the future. Can't have my son thinking that I'm not happy to have him in my life." She closed her eyes, running her hands over her stomach for just a moment. "Go call your husbands. We're all going out to dinner. Wait, wait," she called after them as the girls jumped up and started to leave the room. "Help me off this bed. I'm as big as a whale, and it's hard to get from the middle of the bed to the floor."

The laughed again as they helped Blair from the bed and it just felt right. She knew that Chuck would approve if he was looking down on her. She paused for a moment beside the picture from the wedding day, pressing a kiss to her fingertips before touching them to the photo and whispering, "I love you, Chuck, and I always will…" before following her friends from the room.


End file.
